100th Book – the last day of celebration!

WIN 100 EBOOKS!

Earlier this month we published Angry Robot’s 100th book (Adam Christopher’s Hang Wire), and we’ve had lots of special offers and competitions with various online and offline partners. Today we’re running our last competition.

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This competition is not open to residents of the US and Canada (though residents of Quebec may enter)*, but if you live anywhere else in the world you may enter.

The prize? Each of the first 100 Angry Robot ebooks on a shiny robot USB stick (click here for the full list).

How To Enter

Simply leave your favourite joke in the comments section, below, and once you’ve done it copy and Tweet the following:

Happy 100th Book to Angry Robot. Read my favourite joke at http://tinyurl.com/Angry100 #AR100

You get one entry for leaving your joke, and one extra entry for Tweeting. If you don’t have a Twitter account, don’t worry, you can still enter – you just get one name in the hat, instead of two.

Competition is open until we get into the office around 8.00am GMT on Monday 3rd March. We’ll announce the winner soon after.

*The magnificent folk at the equally magnificent Tor.com ran a similar competition (with the same prize) for residents of the US and Canada (excluding Quebec), so we thought it fair to let everyone else have a turn.

53 comments on this post.

  1. Ross Warren:

    Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘do you know how to drive this thing?’.

  2. nickpheas:

    So there’s this man. He lives alone, he speaks to no-one, he’s miserable. Goes to talk to his doctor, who says that he needs some emotional connection. Too much to expect to get a girlfriend in his current state, get a pet, care for it, love it, that’ll put you on the road to human contact.
    So he goes to the pet shop. Looks at some dogs, but it’s too much work. Looks at cats, but he can’t bear the way they look down on him. Looks at mice, but they’re not aware of him. Finds a hamster, who responds to his looking into the cage and he’s sold. Buys the hamster, the cage, the ball so it can run about the house, the food, the water bottle, everything.
    He takes the little golden bundle of joy home, sets everything up, plays with it and a little spark of humanity enters his withered heart.
    And so it goes for a week.
    The Saturday after be comes down the the hamster is dead. Lying there in it’s cage, the once bright eyes dull and dusty, paw in the air, cold, stiff, gone.
    The man is heart broken. His pet is gone. He calls the pet shop. Oh they’re terribly sorry. This does happen sometimes, pets can be unpredictable, especially small mammals, they will of course replace it. No, says the man, it would be too much, he couldn’t bear to go through this again. The pet shops asks if he has a garden, he does. Well they say, this sounds awful, but let some good come of it. Mince the animal up, mix it with fertiliser, spread it on the flower beds. It’ll bring a little bit of life to the garden. Something you can look at and know came from your grief, something to remember him by.
    So the man is a bit surprised by this, but does as he’s told, chops the animal up, spreads the remains over his small garden, packs up the cage and the ball and the water bottle and takes them all down to the local charity shop, gets on with his lonely life.
    A week later he pulls back the curtains, looks out over his normally grey garden and is astounded. It is awash with colour, everywhere on the flower bed, and here and there on the miserable lawn are strong vibrant yellow daffodils. It’s lovely, brings joy to his heart. The little creature brought to much beauty to the world.
    He cuts some of the flowers, wraps them up, takes them to the pet shop, tells them all about it. There’s a pause. The man says
    “That’s strange. Normally you get tulips from hamster jam.”

  3. Ben W:

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his name plate that the teller’s name is Paddy Whack. So he says, “Mr. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday.”

    Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

    Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Paddy explains that he’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral.” He holds up the tiny pink elephant “I mean, what the hell is this?”

    The bank manager replies, “It’s a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

  4. Josh:

    Marty McFly and Doc are loading the Delorean for a special cooking trip through time.

    Marty’s going through their list of cook books for the trip:

    “Delia. Nigella. Ramsey. Jamie. Rhodes…”

    “Rhodes?” says Doc, “Where we’re going, we don’t need Rhodes!”

  5. Alex Ristea:

    Two muffins are in an oven.

    One says: “Sure is hot in here.”

    The other replies: “Ahhhhh! A talking muffin!”

  6. Terence Chua:

    So it’s after Judgment Day, everybody who made the cut is in Heaven, and Jesus is strolling around enjoying Paradise (as you do), when He comes across a middle-aged man sitting by himself looking morose. So He walks up to the man and says, “Why are you sad? You should rejoice, because you are with me and my Father in Paradise!”

    The man looks up at Jesus and says, his voice deep with emotion, “When I was on Earth, I was a carpenter, and I had a son whom I raised and loved as my very own, even though he was not of my flesh. He grew up and went away, and when I came to Heaven I thought I could find him, but I have looked and looked and he is nowhere to be found.”

    Jesus thinks to Himself: carpenter… had a son… not of his flesh… went away… His eyes widen, and He looks closely at the man and says, His voice tinged with wonder, “F-Father?”

    And the man’s eyes widen, gazing back, and he says, “Pinocchio?”

  7. Sarah:

    What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick.

  8. Kirstine:

    Bruce Willis is probably going to keep making action movies because you know what they say about old habits…

    (they die hard).

  9. Doroty Ellis:

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She answered, “If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose.”

  10. Jonathan:

    Horse walks into a bar.

    Bartender looks up from wiping the counter and says, “Hey, why the long face?”

  11. Tim Matthews:

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
    please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.

  12. Natalie @ Book Lovers Life:

    Here’s two I heard recently ~ Our new librarian is very polite. I think she is Italian.
    I’ve just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, “That’s-a-fine.”
    So I thanked her and walked out.

    I’ve just bought a 3D Kindle.
    Or a book as it’s commonly known.

  13. Laura:

    I was going to tell a great chemistry joke here but all the good ones argon. ;)

  14. Ahimsa:

    Two scientists meet for dinner. “I’ll have a glass of your finest H20,” the elder one says. “Ooh, I’ll have a glass of H20 too!” chimes in his younger colleague. He takes one drink and instantly dies.

  15. Dan Schwent:

    How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
    Your wife’s clothes fit ehr.

  16. Jeff Hotchkiss:

    Knock, knock.

    Who’s there?

    Interrupting cow.

    Inter–

    MOO!

  17. Carrie:

    Two scientists walked into a bar.

    “I’ll have H2O.”

    The second one said “I’ll have H2O, too.”

    He died.

  18. Megan S.:

    So, this guy walks into a bar, right? And he’s all, “Ouch!”

  19. John L:

    Q: What kind of cheese do you use to coax a bear out of a tree?

    A: Camembert.

  20. Todd:

    A penguin out for a Sunday drive, when his car overheats, pulls into a service station. After speaking to mechanic he decide to head across the street to get snack. Deciding on an ice cream cone for the hot summer days turns out to be a bad idea as the ice cream melts and makes a mess on the peguins beak and chest.

    Returning to the service station the mechanic yells out ” Mr Penguin, it looks like to blew a seal!”

    The penguin replies “Nope, I swear it is just ice cream!”

  21. GGAllinThicke:

    Save a tree…..eat a beaver

  22. Richard:

    Billy Bob and Cletus are walking along the creek when they happen upon an old pier, and they see a boat tied up to it. Cletus finishes off his beer and declares he wants to take the boat for a ride. Billy Bob stays on the pier and watches; he sees that from the moment Cletus got in the boat, water starts coming in from a leak that had been above the waterline. But Cletus is undeterred and continues pulling the cord to try to start the motor. Quickly, the boat and Cletus are completely submerged, but he keeps trying to start it.

    Billy Bob mutters, “Well, that boy’s just stupid.” He polishes off his beer, leans over and yells into the water:

    “PULL THE CHOKE!”

  23. Finn:

    Why _ _ _ _ _ _ chicken _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _?
    _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!

  24. Ann O'Nymous:

    Q: What time does Saddam Hussein have his tea?
    A: The same time as Tariq Aziz.

  25. Ann O'Nymous:

    This woodworm walks into the bar and says, “Is the bartender here?”

  26. Pippa Hennessy:

    What’s green and square?

    An orange in disguise.

  27. Johann:

    A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says ‘hey we have a whiskey named after you!’ the horse looks impressed and replies, ‘what, Alfred?’

  28. Katharine:

    So there was this slightly introverted high school student who had never asked a girl to a dance. It’s his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom. So he musters up the courage and asks one of his friends. Thankfully, she says yes. Now he has to prepare for the dance. He goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line. So he waits, and waits, and waits, then he finally gets the tickets. The next day, he goes with his date to go get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door. So they wait, they wait, and they wait. Finally, they manage to buy a dress. After this, they go to men’s warehouse to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door. So they wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit. The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line. So he waits, waits, and waits until he gets his order in. Now it’s the day before prom and he wakes up and realises that he forgot to order a limo, so he calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go into the place. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner. So he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he was lucky enough to get the very last limo. So now it’s the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom. So the wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get to the front and they both pass their drug tests. Now the dance was going pretty good for about a half an hour, until someone says to him, “Hey, are you treating your date right? Go get her some punch.” So he goes over to the punch table and thank goodness, there’s no punch line.

  29. kamo:

    A photon gets to the airport departures desk.

    “Do you have any luggage to check in?” asks the clerk.

    “No,” replies the photon, “I’m travelling light.”

  30. Dina:

    Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.

  31. Adam:

    Why are pirates called pirates?

    Because they ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

  32. Becca:

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Interrupting cow.
    Interrupting co-
    MMOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

  33. Emma:

    There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

  34. Sian Chapman:

    Why did the duck cross to the other side of the road?

    To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

    I thought that was the best joke ever when I was 7, and it still makes me smile now, although I feel it may be more in reminiscence than anything else.

  35. Daredevilpt:

    Wikipedia: I know everything!
    Google: I have everything!
    Facebook: I know everybody!
    Internet: Without me you are nothing!
    Electricity: Keep talking, bitches!

  36. Mark S. R. Peterson:

    What if everyone brought the same thing to a potluck?

  37. Milo:

    “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.”

  38. Eleanor:

    Why did the mushroom go to the party?
    Because he was a fun guy!

  39. David J.B.:

    Why was the Angry Robot always angry?

    Everyone kept pressing his buttons.

  40. blodeuedd:

    I like lame ones:

    Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
    In case he got a hole in one.

  41. Nikolai:

    Q: how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: The fish.

  42. Chong Shang Shan:

    The residents of a town need to find out the height of a flagpole planted in the town square. They pay an engineer, an architect and a lawyer to do so.

    The engineer comes back with his report: By measuring the angle of the sun in the sky and the length of the shadow on the ground, using simple trigonometry, I determine the height of the flagpole to be 28.34 meters.

    The architect comes back with his report: I went into the archives and found the blueprints of the town square. The height of the flagpole specified in those designs was 28.20 meters.

    The lawyer send an email and calls for conversation over coffee, during which he asks: How high do you want the flagpole to be?

  43. Helen McCarthy:

    Q: How do you make an angry robot?
    A: Well, it takes an awful lot of nuts….

  44. Helen McCarthy:

    But that’s one of mine. You’d rather have this one (a proper science joke with sociopolitical overtones) from the late, great Tommy Cooper:

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

  45. Elle:

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she gets on, the bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ Furious, the woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. Fuming, she turns to the man next to her and says,’The driver just insulted me!’ The man says,’I wouldn’t stand for that if I were you: you go up there and tell him off! Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’

  46. Rick Keuning (@RickKeuning):

    Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

    It was dead?

    Why did all the other koalas fall out of the tree?

    Peer pressure.

  47. Roger Martin:

    Two Elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

    Bump, bump, tsssh

  48. Tony:

    What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot

    What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick

    A magician walks round a corner and turns into a bar.

  49. David J.B.:

    A penguin walks into a bar. He waddles across to the barman and say’s ” ‘ere mate, have you seen my brother? “. The barman pauses wiping the glass he’s holding, looks down and replies’, ” I don’t know Sir, what’s does he look like? “.

  50. David J.B.:

    Two men walk into a bar – you’d think one of them would have spotted it.

  51. NephremRah:

    Too many funny jokes, time to lower the quality with my own:

    When an old clown dies he goes to the Heaven, here asks God the meaning of life.
    God’s answer? “Just a bad joke”

  52. David J.B.:

    I’ve always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

  53. Scott:

    Why did the Robot go back to school?

    I don’t know why did the Robot go back to school?

    Because his skills were getting a little rusty.

    Chortle, chortle!

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