Twelve Days of Christmas – Day 7 – Marc Gascoigne

I’ve written an introduction of sorts to all of our 12 Days entries, but today is the turn of the Angry Robot Overlord himself, and everyone knows Marco, therefore no introduction from me, today. So, without any further ado, the man who needs no introduction, M—

{insert mp3 of crowds cheering and cowering in mortal fear}

We Need a Santa Claus on Mars!

I don’t always have the best track record with Christmas. Just last year, I managed to succumb to a fabulously festive vomiting virus about an hour into the day itself. I followed it up on Boxing Day, while twisting awkwardly to throw up off the side of the bed to which I’d been confined, by wrenching my back rather drastically, keeping me in agony for a very seasonal twelve more days. Delightful.

However, one part of the whole tawdry farrago that is Western culture’s most popular festival has long been very special to me: Christmas music. Some twenty-five years ago now, a good friend, who knew I had a hefty record collection bursting with obscure goodies, asked me to compile a selection of alternatives to the usual suspects for him. Word got around, it became a regular thing… and, all these years later, I still pull together an annual mixtape of my latest Yuletide discoveries every December.

So when the commanding voice of Lee Harris piped up from just below the rim of the desk opposite that he was organising a Twelve Days of Christmas and I couldn’t bloody wriggle out of this one, an overview of science fiction-themed Christmas music was the obvious choice. And even better if I could get a few MPs and video clips linked in. After all, I mused, there was that fabulous Shonen Knife single of a few years ago, and … and … Ah. It seems that SFnal themes and Christmas don’t always mix well at this time of year. But here and there, amidst all the snow, mangers and sleigh bells, a few brave or foolhardy souls have dared to look beyond the stars for their festive fun.

BTW – the included links are to YouTube clips, where available; there used to be a link to all the tracks as MP3s but that’s now expired. Shudder.

Back in the 1950s, of course, space travel was the subject of much fascination and speculation. None more so than in that true-life documentary, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Here’s its none-more-perky theme tune, “Hooray for Santa Claus” by the majestic Milton Delugg & the Eskimos (including a very young Pia Zadora). This has remained a perennial favourite amongst genre fans, like a Yuletide version of the “Timewarp” or the like, albeit with bugger all reference to anything Martian. Menawhile, good ole rockabilly rebels like Sonny Cole were keen to get on this here gosh-darned space exploration action too, as the gimmicky mid-50s “Santa To The Moon” reveals.

Prefiguring the recent craze for bootleg mash-ups of other people’s records by around fifty years, DJ Dickie Goodman managed to assemble the almost completely incomprehensible “Santa & the Satellite” from clips of dozens of other discs. Holy mackerel indeed! “Outer Space Santa” by easy-listening meister Lawrence Welk is a much sweeter proposition. I keep thinking that “packing them in jars” line was some kind of abduction/body harvesting reference, but it turns out they’re just singing about candy. Awww.

Nothing, however, could soften you up for Sheb Wooley’s disgraceful seasonal cash-in follow-up to his worldwide hit, with “Santa And The Purple People Eater”. See what he did there? Now wash your hands. Not that the allegedly more sophisticated Chris de Burgh had anything more enlightening to offer on “A Spaceman Came Travelling” in the mid-70s. For all its clever angel=space traveller imagery, it turns out the distant visitor’s vital message only runs to “La-lala-laa-lala-laa-lala-la”. Perhaps it’s a Close Encounters-style code.

Of course, different cultures have modified the Christmas legend to suit their own local conditions. Hence the reference to a bison-drawn sleigh on Japanese band Shonen Knife’s cute yet rocking “Space Christmas“. Perhaps the reference to going to Pluto, sadly demoted from planet status recently, is an allusion to the essential sadness underpinning much of Christmas. Or perhaps not. From the land of Whitley Strieber, however, it’s the attention of those shadowy Greys that is most important, as “I Want an Alien for Christmas” by the poptastic Fountains of Wayne almost certainly demonstrates. The move of NASA’s attention from the Moon to Mars passed Fifties throwbacks the Bell Rays by, “Rocket Ship Santa” notwithstanding. Girlie popsters Bubble, though, have their eyes squarely on the red planet, explroing the very real possibility of a future space colony on “Christmas Here on Mars” in a reasoned, scientific way that indicates a deep reading of the works of Kim Stanley Robinson. Maybe.

The rise of zombies as a staple of the genre has not gone unnoticed, of course, as hardcore hooligans MxPx prove with “Christmas Night of Zombies”. Chilling stuff. And where would an Angry Robot Christmas be without our own slice of android angst, with the frankly terrifying “Master It’s Cold Outside” by Cosmicity. As he plaintively suggests, “Let’s play Warcraft naked” – but is that reward for being naughty or nice?

But wait, you say! Wait a Force-be-with-you minute, young Jedi! Surely, surely, there is room in your selection for the Holy Grail of space christmas songs… a selection from the legendarily dreadful Star Wars christmas musical special, Christmas in the Stars. Well, buster, let me just remind you – this is the time of peace on Earth, and good will to all men, and all that. I couldn’t do that to you. I just couldn’t. Or could I?